The following is a parody based on the film Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. Due to the content, it is intended for readers 18 and over only, if you are not 18, leave now Those who are 18 and up and not easily offended, sit back, picture all those gorgeous actors and actresses as they were in the film and read...
Oh yeah and one more thing. Make sure you have seen the movie at least once or it won't make a damn bit of sense.
Enjoy... ;)

based on a real film

EMYN MUIL

SAM and FRODO are wandering around the rocks.

FRODO: Shit, this fucking sucks!

SAM: Calm down, Mr. Frodo.

FRODO: We've been walking around in circles for three fucking days!

SAM: Come on, man stop the swears, this a PG-13er

FRODO: Christ, Sean don't you know we won't get anywhere in Hollywood without swearing and sex in all our movies? I mean you've only been famous since I took my first shit in a diaper.

SAM: Alright! But call me Sam!

FRODO: Oh sorry, yeah right Sam. Ok, now where the fuck were we?

A scrawny skeleton like creature jumps out in front of FRODO and SAM

GOLLUM: Nasty Hobbitses!!! You stole my precioussss!

FRODO: What's Kate Moss doing in this Movie?

SAM: It's Gollum! Kill him now before he gets the ring, Mr. Frodo!

FRODO: Oh yeah.

FRODO draws his sword and holds it to GOLLUM's neck

FRODO: Die, you miserable scrawny-ass piece of shit!

GOLLUM: No! Mustn't kill us! We show you the way! We show nice Hobbitses the way to Mordor! Pleeeeaaaasseee!!!

SAM: Bullshit!

FRODO: Fuck it, if he doesn't show us the way, this will be another 3 hour movie like the last one.

SAM: You have a point there. Lead the way, ya scrawny fuck!

FRODO: That's my line, you fat-ass son of a schitzo 50's actress!

SAM: WHAT did you call my mother?

RIDDERMARK

Our 3 main stars, ARAGORN, LEGOLAS and GIMLI are stopped by several men on horses. EOMER, the lead man orders them not to move.

EOMER: And you are....?

GIMLI: You give me your name, Horse Fucker, and I shall give you mine.

EOMER pulls a gun out of his coat

EOMER: You little Mother--

LEGOLAS: Don't even, Fuck Face or I'll go Schwartzenegger on your ass.

ARAGORN: Relax, Leafowitz. No need to bring violence.

LEGOLAS: It's Legolas, you retard. My name is Legolas.

ARAGORN: Right. (To EOMER) We mean you no harm. We seek only our friends.

EOMER: And they are....?

ARAGORN: Hobbits. Small, curly haired creatures with large fuzzy feet.

EOMER appears to be thinking

LEGOLAS: Remember Fraggle Rock?

EOMER: Oh yes! Now I know who you're talking about.

ARAGORN, LEGOLAS and GIMLI look releaved.

EOMER: They're dead.

GIMLI: What the FUCK?

LEGOLAS: If they're dead, and you killed them, that makes you a murderer.

ARAGORN: Ah, smart you are at last, Lego-log. Your blond-ness means little of late.

EOMER: Wait a minute, ok? It's like this. The guys and I were out having a couple of drinks, and we decided that it might be fun to kill a couple of Orcs. We never saw your damn friends. Here, take these once prized race horses and go find them.

LEGOLAS: This one's leg is broken.

EOMER: Uh, yeah, they were on special at the glue factory.

ARAGORN: No matter. Onward, my friends!

FANGORN FOREST

Two Hobbits, part of the Fellowship, are hiding in the forest after being chased away during a battle with the Orcs.

MERRY: Those Orc guys sure were ugly

PIPPIN: So's that tree over there.

TREEBEARD: Who you calling, ugly?

TREEBEARD picks up MERRY and PIPPIN

PIPPIN: Oh, noone, I'm sorry I didn't know you could understand words.

TREEBEARD: And I didn't know sewer rats could speak!

MERRY: We're not sewer rats! We're Hobbits!

TREEBEARD: What's a Hobbit?

PIPPIN: Remember Fraggle Rock?

TREEBEARD: REMEBER it? I was designed for it! They found me in the studio after almost 20 years and decided to use me for this movie!

MERRY PIPPIN and TREEBEARD all laugh as he carries them away.

FANGORN FOREST (next day)

ARAGORN, LEGOLAS and GIMLI are searching through the forest in hopes of finding Merry and Pippin. Suddenly, a blinding white light streams through the trees and the outline of a wizard and staff can be seen.

LEGOLAS: Oh Jesus, here comes Saruman.

ARAGORN: Quiet! He'll cast a spell upon us!

GANDALF: Upon you... yeah that sounds good.

ARAGORN: Gandalf! Do my eyes decieve me?

LEGOLAS: Yeah no shit, I thought you were dead, man!

GANDALF: No, I didn't die. I just changed colors! (laughs) I'll give you the four-eleven on the boys on our way out of this bitch. (whistles) Here comes my gal. Or better yet, I believe this horse is a boy.

LEGOLAS: (looks at his lame horse, then over at GANDALF's horse) Trade ya?

GANDALF: Not if you promised me a sponge bath!

They all RIDE OFF into the clearing.

FANGORN FOREST

MERRY and PIPPIN are riding along on the slow-moving TREEBEARD.

PIPPIN: They never thought of what if we have to take a shit while we're riding on this tree guy.

MERRY: Hmm

PIPPIN: I mean a PISS we can manage, just point and shoot over and out. But a dump, really, it's not like I'm gonna pull down my pants up here and shout "Bombs away!"

MERRY: Obviously, we'd tell the tree to stop walking, climb down, take a few minutes and come back. What's the big deal? Why are you resorting to 1st grade humor?

PIPPIN: It's not me, it's the bitch who's writing this!

MERRY: Oh yeah. (sing-song-y) Somebody needs a li-ife!

EDORAS

King THEODEN, who appears to be well over 100 years old. Sits in a stupor on his throne.

THEODEN: (Groans) Where's my Metamucil?

GRIMA: A just question, my leige. At your age I'm surprised ANYTHING can make you drop a log.

GANDALF: Bathroom humor, how intellegent, Wormface. (raising his staff, to THEODEN) Be yourself again! Or something...

THEODEN: Excellent! I just lost 50 years off my age! Probably still need Viagra though. But Grima, you can take that bottle of Metamucil and shove it up your f--

ARAGORN: No, Sire! No swearing in this scene, we are already pushing the PG-13 rating.

GRIMA: Later, I gotta go work on Child's Play 5

A beautiful strawberry blonde maiden of Rohan appears, staring at ARAGORN

EOWYN: Wow, like every other chick around, I think this Aragorn dude is hot.

ARAGORN: Good day, my lady. Sorry to hear about the untimely passing of your brother or cousin or whomever he was.

EOWYN: Yeah, I already forgot about it.

ARAGORN and GANDALF turn to King THEODEN

ARAGORN: Uh, yeah. We got a problem.

GANDALF: Yes, Saruman is a psycho. Not only did he make you too old to pinch a loaf, he has an army headed straight for Rohan. You must ride out and meet them head on to protect your people.

THEODEN: I will not risk open war!

ARAGORN: Open war is upon you whether you risk it or not.

GANDALF: (smiling to himself) Upon..

THEODEN: Last time I checked, Theoden was King of Rohan, not Aragorn.

ARAGORN: Last time I checked you were over 150 years old and sucking on a bottle of Metamucil.

EOWYN: Uncle, we must listen to them.

THEODEN: Alright. I'll reserve Helm's Deep for the weekend.

ARAGORN: But we'll end up getting trapped there!

EOWYN: (looking at ARAGORN) Oh, good!

ARAGORN: What?

EOWYN: Uh, I said, Oh, God!

ARAGORN: Fear not, my Lady, but we must follow the rules of your Uncle, the King.

GANDALF: Well, I gotta jam, peeps. I got other shit to do. So on the fifth day at dawn look to the east.

ARAGORN: Why?

GANDALF: It's just a hell of a view.

GANDALF RIDES OFF at the speed of light.

Cut to SAM and FRODO still trecking their way to Mordor.

SAM: So then we were like all "No way can HER tits be real--"

FRODO: (Grabs SAM's arm and points) Hey- camera.

SAM: Oh yeah. Ahem. (getting back into character) My, Mr. Frodo. Long is the time we have been wandering. I do hope we can trust the likes of this Gollum fellow.

FRODO: Trust? Trust? Let me tell you a little something about trust, asshole! Trust is not having to worry that your best friend is going to stab you up the ass- I-I- mean in the back while you are sleeping. Trust is not having to worry that every Tom, Prick and Harry is going to jump you for the jewelry you're wearing. Do you know the kind of stress I'm under? Well, do you?

SAM: (quietly) That was very good, I think you might get a nomination this year...

FRODO: (also quietly) Really? I don't know, but I was thinking if I could get Britney Spears to go to the Oscars with me--

GOLLUM: Uh, Hobbitsesssss???

SAM: Yeah, Freak Fest, we're coming. (quietly to FRODO) Britney Spears? Really? Damn, too bad I'm married!

LATER... the three are taking a break for supper.

SAM is cooking stew over a fire. He tastes some and smiles. He fixes 3 bowls of stew and begins setting them in a circle.

SAM: (calling to FRODO and GOLLUM) Hey guys! Chow time!

FRODO and GOLLUM come to the bowls and begin to eat. GOLLUM tastes some of the stew and spits.

GOLLUM: Stupid fat hobbit! Needs more salt!

SAM: No it doesn't. Eat.

GOLLUM: MORE SALT! (smacks his bowl away, spilling the stew)

SAM: You spoiled little shit! Go to your room! No supper for you tonight!

FRODO: Sam, we're in the middle of nowhere, he's got no "room" and you're not his fucking father.

SAM: Oh really, brat face? Who cooks, who cleans, who watches out for you? Maybe you need a spanking to get you in line. Yeah, a spanking. That would be nice... (smiles wishfully)

FRODO: You sick fuck! Stay away from me and go jack off in the woods!

GOLLUM: What's "jack off", Master?

FRODO: Forget it. I have no appetite anymore.

GOLLUM: We asks nice CGI programmer to make Smeagol jack off.

Suddenly, SAM goes from looking angry to scared.

SAM: What was that?

FRODO looks out ahead.

FRODO: Elephants on 'roids. And-

Suddenly, FARAMIR and his men grab FRODO and SAM.

FARAMIR: Seize them! I don't have a use for them now, but I can just imagine the possibilities.

EN ROUTE TO HELM'S DEEP

The families are riding to Helm's Deep with Our Stars. The camera pans over to EOWYN and ARAGORN who are leading horses amongst everyone.

EOWYN eyes the necklace around ARAGORN's neck.

EOWYN: Where is the bitch- I mean the girl - who gave you that jewel?

ARAGORN: She is sailing to undying lands with the Fam.

EOWYN: Sweet! Uh, ahem, I mean sweet of her to give you a good-bye gift before leaving for absolute good to be with her family. (smiles)

GIMLI who is riding on a horse cuts in on the conversation.

GIMLI: We have women too, us dwarfs. They love to cook.

ARAGORN: Those aren't dwarf folk, Gimli

GIMLI: What do you mean? They're short, hairy and dumpy. Of COURSE they are dwarf kind!

ARAGORN: (quietly to EOWYN) I suppose I shouldn't tell him he's been sleeping with Sicilian women.

LATER that evening

ARAGORN falls asleep and slowly opens his eyes to find ARWEN bending over him. She kisses him softly on the lips.

ARAGORN: This is a dream.

ARWEN: Then it is a WET dream...

ARAGORN: Is your father still living?

ARWEN: Yes, as Elves we are immortal.

ARAGORN: No, not him. Steven Tyler. Surprised I am his heart has not given out yet from the vast amount of substance abuse in his past.

ARWEN: Whatever, ok? I quit. I don't even get to show my tits in this film.

ARAGORN: You'll be back. You always are.

THE NEXT DAY EN ROUTE TO HELM'S DEEP

The group is attacked out of nowhere by an army of creatures riding hideous wolf-like steed.

LEGOLAS: Shit! It's those creatures from Brotherhood of the Wolf! And that movie wasn't even in English!

ARAGORN: Shoot them, Lego-waffle!

The creatures are defeated with bows and arrows.

GIMLI: Is this scene really necessary?

LEGOLAS: Yeah the audience has to think Lord Aragorn dies. You know, for suspense. Go, Viggo!

ARAGORN: Oh yes.. Um, WOAH!!! I'm falling off a cliff!!!

GIMLI: Goddamn it!!!

LEGOLAS: Tough break, dude.

HELM'S DEEP

The people of Rohan are relieved to be there at last. Everyone is getting settled and EOWYN rushes up to meet Our Stars.

EOWYN: So few... so few of you have returned.

THEODEN: Our people are safe. And we were only attacked once on the way down here. Or was it twice? Hell, I need a beer.

GIMLI: (to EOWYN) Hey, Hot Stuff. Do I get a kiss?

EOWYN: Right, real cute. Where's Lord Aragorn?

GIMLI: (remembering) Oh yes! (puts on a sad face and bows his head) He fell off a really high cliff into a rushing river filled with jagged rocks.

EOWYN: You gotta be fucking kidding me! The first hot guy who comes my way in ages and now he's dead? It's not fair! (bursts into tears)

LEGOLAS: (approaches EOWYN with a hankie) Does this mean I get a chance?

EOWYN takes the hankie and dries her eyes, then slowly looks up at LEGOLAS.

AT THE BATTLEMENTS.

THEODEN is standing at a chalkboard, his guards and soldiers watching. He marks it with X's and O's like a Football play.

THEODEN: Ok, so we're the X's. We'll draw all our forces behind this wall. Then we lock the gate, and set a watch on the surround.

GUARD: What about the women and children?

THEODEN: We won't make the women fight because as men, we know that women are only good for one thing, which is dressing up in lingere and 5 inch heels and tending to all our animalistic needs. So we'll save them in the caves. I get dibs on the hottest ones, of course. Saruman's dick would have grown long indeed if he thinks he can reach them here. (grins) As for the children, get every boy around the age of oh, say...(thinks) When did you first blow your load? Eleven? Twelve maybe?

The soldiers nod, as if that seems about right.

THEODEN: Right then. Every boy about 10 and up- just to be on the safe side- and we can use them to fight. They'll probably die and those of us who are older who survive will have more chicks to bone. Okay, Team let's SCORE!!!

The SOLDIERS and GUARDS all cheer.

At ISENGARD, SARUMAN stands on his balcony and shouts down to his army of Uruk-hai.

SARUMAN: A new power is rising. FEEL THE POWER! Can you FEEL IT?

URUK-HAI ARMY: (cheering) YEA!!!

SARUMAN: I said, CAN YOU FEEL IT???

URUK-HAI ARMY: (cheering) YEA!!!

SARUMAN: I can't heeeaaar yooooou!!!!

URUK-HAI ARMY: (cheering even louder) YEAAA!!!

SARUMAN: Our victory is at hand. Now march to Helm's Deep! Kill all who you find there! There will be no dawn for Men.

The URUK-HAI ARMY cheers and heads off to HELM'S DEEP.

Back with TREEBEARD, MERRY and PIPPIN walking towards Isengard.

PIPPIN: Whoa! Big cloud of smoke to the south!

MERRY: Do you always have to announce when you've farted?

PIPPIN: No, dumb shit! Over there!

MERRY: Isengard?

TREEBEARD: There was a time, when Saruman would walk in my woods, feeding the squirrels and petting the bunnies. But now, he has a mind of metal and wheels. He no longer cares for living things. The next thing you know, he'll be running his own Internet Service Provider.

MERRY: (getting a better view) Sweet Mother of Jesus's first son!

PIPPEN: What is it?

MERRY: It's Saruman's army! The war has started.

ARAGORN is laying on a swimming pool raft floating down the river in a pair of bathing trunks. He is half asleep as the raft floats ashore. He imagines ARWEN in a string bikini wading in the water next to his raft. She licks him on the ear.

ARWEN: Better cover up that boner, Big Boy.

ARAGORN wakes, still laying on the raft that is only floating in a couple of inches of water. His horse is standing at the shore, licking his ear. ARAGORN jumps up and grabs a robe.

ARAGORN: I SO did not see that one coming.

LOTHLORIEN/RIVENDELL

GALADRIEL snuffs out a cigarette, downs a shot of something and pulls out her cell phone. She dials.

GALADRIEL: Yeah, it's me.

ELROND: (on his cell back in RIVENDELL) Hey, sexy. What are you wearing tonight?

GALADRIEL: Cut the shit, Elrond. I'm calling about Frodo.

ELROND: Yeah, poor punk.

GALADRIEL: The little shit is taking his sweet time getting to Mordor. I don't know what the deal is, but if that ring isn't in the Mountain of Fire by Xmas '03, it's gonna mean all our asses.

ELROND: Yeah, the quest will probably kill him, but it could be worse. He could be shooting up every night. And it's not all his fault. That Aragorn is such a fuck up. I'm just glad we're moving so my lovely daughter can't marry him.

GALADRIEL: Well there must be something we can do about this.

ELROND: Are you serious? I don't even know why we're in this movie.

GALADRIEL: Well I'm not gonna just stand here and do a voice over while they show the rest of the cast. I'm gonna summon the Elves and get that other blonde guy- what's his fucking name? Oh yeah, Haldir. I'm gonna stick him in Helm's Deep.

ELROND: You're sticking Haldir deep in Helm's WHAT? HA HA HAAA!!! I KILL myself sometimes!

GALADRIEL: Not only do you look like David Bowie, you're a freak too.

HENNETH ANNUN

FARAMIR: Alright, now tell me again who you are and what you were doing out there?

FRODO: My name is Frodo Baggins. And this is Samwise Gamgee.

FARAMIR: Your brother?

FRODO: No-

FARAMIR: Your cousin?

FRODO: No-

FARAMIR: Your best friend who has deeply hidden sexual feelings for you that the two of you dare not explore due to the fact that the majority of society considers intimacy between two men to be disgusting although it is perfectly acceptable for two females to get it on?

SAM: Something like that.

FRODO: WHAT?

FARAMIR: Listen, there's nothing wrong with a man being bi-sexual. Most women are, and they act on it. To us, that's a turn on. So why can't WE do it? What makes us so big and bad that we have to surpress our feelings both emotional and physical? Why do WE have to be dead drunk before we'll even consider getting a blow job from our best buddy?

FRODO: I think I'm gonna puke.

SAM: Was the stew that bad?

LATER IN THE CAVES AT HENNETH ANNUN

SAM is laying wrapped in blankets. The camera pans across the cave's floor which seems to be a distance of at least 10 feet where we finally see FRODO sitting up in his blankets.

SAM: Mr. Frodo...

FRODO jumps a little

FRODO: Yeah?...

SAM: I think that you really need to just take it off and slip into it. It will be ok- Noone will see you. And if it gets stuck, we can just use some baby oil.

FRODO jumps to his feet

FRODO: Oh my GOD! It's true! Stay away from me, you perverted mother fucker or I'll fucking slit your throat, I swear!

SAM: Jesus Christ, what's your fucking problem? I was just suggesting you take that chain off and put your finger in the ring to make yourself invisible so you can get us the fuck out of this sorry joint!

There is a silent pause

SAM: What did you think I meant? Mr. Frodo?

FRODO: I-

Suddenly the door bursts open. FARAMIR is standing there.

FARAMIR: I want it now. Give it to me, Frodo.

FRODO: Please God, tell me he's talking about the ring...

FARAMIR: No. Frodo, I want to make you my love slave. You're too cute for words.

FRODO turns stark white and begins to collapse against the wall.

FARAMIR: (smiles brightly) Just kidding. Now give me the fucking ring.

SAM: Stay away from him! You don't know what we've been through. Don't you understand? We're taking the ring to be destroyed. It's such a burden. He doesn't want it for it's power.

FARAMIR: You mean you don't want to use it to build a giant mansion with servants, 24 hour parties with bottomless drinks, expensive drugs and the hottest women in the world in teddies and thong underwear that disappears after a few drinks? Long-legged busty women engaging in unspeakable sexual acts that bring you endless hours of physical pleasure?

FRODO: (suddenly himself again) Women? You're talking about women at these parties, right?

FARAMIR: Yes, hot women. You know Playmates, Victoria's Secret models. Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Issue.

FRODO stands gaping.

FARAMIR: Estella Warren, Heidi Klum, Gisele Bundchen, Anna Kornukova, Leticia Casta...

FRODO: (in an amazed daze) Even Britney Spears?

FARAMIR: Hell, yeah even Britney Spears.

FRODO clasps the ring to his chest

SAM: Mr. Frodo! The ring! It's taking over your mind.

FARAMIR: I don't think it's the ring, Sam.

SAM: I don't get it, you were just talking about MEN not long ago

FARAMIR: Hey, I said a little boy-on-boy experimentation is fine, but I'm not crazy. I never said I'd give up the fairer sex for the cock.

SAM: (upset) How did you know he has the ring anyway?

FARAMIR: That thing told me.

SAM: THING?

One of FARAMIR's Men bursts through the door.

FARAMIR'S SOLDIER: Sir! I think you need to come down here quick. That thing is in the pool!

OUTSIDE OF THE CAVE, ABOVE THE POOL

The camera shows GOLLUM in the pool. At first he appears to be bathing, but upon closer inspection, he's making all the obvious "motions" with his right hand.

GOLLUM: Nice jacking off. Good jacking off. Feels great!

FARAMIR's MEN have their arrows ready to shoot the unsuspecting GOLLUM.

FARAMIR: (to Frodo) Masterbating in the pool bears the penalty of immediate death.

FRODO: Wait! I'll get him out of there. Just don't kill him. He's our guide. Our guide so I can get to Mordor and destroy this ring. This ring that could give me the power to own a mansion where I can have huge parties with the hottest women in the world... Kill him.

FARAMIR is about to give the signal for the men to shoot.

FRODO: No wait! It's all bullshit. Just temptation. Besides, if I become a hero by saving the world, I'll get all that stuff anyway.

FARAMIR: True. You're gonna get laid by whomever you want just for starring in this movie. Ok, go save the little gimp.

FRODO makes his way down to the pool.

FRODO: Ahem... uh, Smeagol?

GOLLUM: (suddenly stopping) What you wants?

FRODO: We have to go now. Come on. Get out of the pool. But for God's sake cover up whatever it is you have under that loin cloth first.

GOLLUM emerges, covered in the right place, much to everyone's relief. FRODO leads him away from the pool. Suddenly he is grabbed and captured by the men.

GOLLUM: Ugh! MASSSTERRR!!! Master tricks usssss!!!!

FRODO: (groans) Man, what a night.

HELM'S DEEP

ARAGORN arrives.

LEGOLAS: Hey dude. 'Sup? How's Arwen?

ARAGORN: Please, we didn't even get to do a nude scene. All I got was a lick on the ear and it turned out to be my horse. Unfair is the script that binds us!

LEGOLAS: Well, Eowyn still wants you to bone her- BAD. She totally digs you. She passed me off to one of her barely legal cousins! Man, I get all the screaming teens and you get all the hot older babes.

GIMLI: (rushing up to ARAGORN) You're alive! Oh thank God! Never cross the street against the light again! What have I always told you? Don't run with that stick, you'll poke your eye out! Have you finished your vegitables? Wipe that dirt off your face and go wash your hands!

LEGOLAS: Damn tweekers.

LATER THAT EVENING, STILL AT HELM'S DEEP

LEGOLAS: There's a war a-comin.

ARAGORN: Frightening are these hours we are to endure.

LEGOLAS: You suck.

ARAGORN: Not half as hard as you do, Lego-blocks!

LEGOLAS: I think we're about to get an R rating, my friend. For sheer GORE!

LEGOLAS lunges at ARAGORN with his sword.

Upstairs at HELM'S DEEP, THEODEN is putting on his armor.

GAMLING: All males aged 10 years and older have been sent to the armory. The children are sleeping and the women are having their measurements taken.

THEODEN: Who am I, Gamling?

GAMLING: You are our king, sire.

THEODEN: Damn straight! And do you trust your king?

GAMLING: Yes, Sire. We will follow you to whatever end.

THEODEN: To whatever end? That makes you sound like you're all my bitches. I'd settle for a Yes, Sir, you da Man!

GAMLING: As you wish, Sire.

THEODEN: Shmuck.

Back to LEGOLAS and ARAGORN

LEGOLAS: I'm sorry for attacking you, Aragorn. You're my best friend. All this war is really starting to fuck with my mind. It's like I'm on acid 24-7.

ARAGORN: Aren't you?

THEODEN walks over to where LEGOLAS and ARAGORN are standing.

THEODEN: (to LEGOLAS) Hey, blondie, I think the rest of The Backstreet Boys are here.

ARAGORN: The Elves! They have not forsaken us!

HALDIR: That's right, Lord Aragorn. And we are proud to fight alongside men once more. We need nothing to be promised to us in return, for we fight due to the alliance we hold so dear. (quietly, to THEODEN) So your niece is the hot strawberry blonde right? And her room's on the third floor, fourth door on the left?

The battle is about to begin. Everyone is lined up at the castle ready to fight as Saruman's army approaches. GIMLI is standing next to LEGOLAS and cannot see over the wall.

GIMLI: I can't see! Let me stand on your shoulders, Lego.

LEGOLAS: This is a battle, not a concert, Gimli.

GIMLI: (jumping up and down, trying to see over the wall) Shit! What's going on out there?

LEGOLAS: The Chicago Bulls just took the court.

ARAGORN: Get ready, my friends.

LEGOLAS: Your friends are with you, Aragorn.

GIMLI: Let's hope they last more than 10 seconds.

LEGOLAS: I can last eons longer than 10 seconds.

ARAGORN: That's not what the ladies have said.

LEGOLAS: WHAT???

ARAGORN: Alright everyone! LET'S ROLL!!!

Arrows begin flying out toward the opposition. Several soldiers in Saruman's army drop dead. Some of the URUK-HAI rush the castle walls. GIMLI shoots an arrow in one.

GIMLI: Legolas! That's two already!

LEGOLAS: I'm on seventeen! But let's talk about women later.

GIMLI: (shoots another orc) Women? I was telling you how many of these orc bastards I've killed so far! See, that one was three!

LEGOLAS: Oooh! I thought you were telling me how many women of Rohan you've banged since we've been at Helm's Deep!

GIMLI shakes his head.

LEGOLAS: (bragging) and as I've said I'm on seventeen (smiles wryly)

GIMLI: Are you sure you don't mean seventeen seconds , lad?

LEGOLAS: (points his arrow at GIMLI) Watch it, little man. You could get your tiny prick shot off in a battle like this. And there's such a thing as friendly fire, you know!

FANGORN FORREST

PIPPIN: So are you guys gonna, like, help us with the war or not?

TREEBEARD: No.

PIPPIN: Alrighty then, can you give us a ride halfway back to the Shire?

MERRY: WAIT! Why won't you help us? There won't BE a Shire to go back to if Saruman defeats us all!

PIPPIN: Good point, then we'd have to live in the real world and pay taxes and everything.

MERRY: See, that would suck!!!

PIPPIN: At least take us south. The closer to danger we are, the farther from harm. That makes no sense, but I have to say it, cause it's in the script.

TREEBEARD: Whatever. Let's go south then.

MERRY and PIPPIN: Horray!!!

Back at HELM'S DEEP The battle continues and several more of the URUK-HAI fall.

ARAGORN: (shouting to his army) Pull out! Quick pull out! (to himself) Um, no that's not it... Ah. (shouting again) Pull back! Everyone! Back! (shouts up to Haldir) Pull the troops back!

HALDIR: (nodding) Back, everyone! Ow, who just pulled my hair? Now I've got split ends, goddamn it!

As HALDIR inspects his lovely hair, an orc comes up behind him and cracks his head open with an axe. HALDIR falls.

ARAGORN: Sweet Mother of Jesus's dog! (runs to HALDIR and holds him in his arms) Nooooo!!!!! Oh Dear God Almighty, NO! NO! NO-- (looks out toward the camera) What's wrong? Too much? Ok. (drops HALDIR's body) Rest in Peace, bro. (shouting to his troops) To the gate!

ARAGORN: (to GIMLI) Come on, let's go surprise them 'round the other side!

GIMLI: You'll have to toss me over that huge gap!

ARAGORN: It's only 4 inches.

GIMLI: Toss me anyway, it's comical!

ARAGORN picks GIMLI up and throws him.

GIMLI: Geranamooo!!! (lands hard) Fuck, that hurt!

ARAGORN:(shouting to LEGOLAS) Lego-leaf! Get your skate board and ride down the stairs!

LEGOLAS: What? Why?

ARAGORN: Because you'll look cool, numbnuts!

LEGOLAS: Oh, yeah. (smiles and goes to grab his skate board)

BACK at the FOREST, TREEBEARD comes to a clearing. There are tree stumps everywhere.

TREEBEARD: Mother fucker! That fucking Saruman! These trees were my friends, my family!

PIPPIN: I'm sorry, Treebeard.

TREEBEARD: There is no curse in any language strong enough for this travesty! But I'll try! Mother fucking, cock sucking, dick-shit dipping, cunt wad of a bitching mother fucking goddamn whore-sucking snatch fucker--

TREEBEARD contunues to curse

MERRY: Right on!

PIPPIN: So will you FINALLY agree to fight?

TREEBEARD: What are you fucking BLIND, you little cock-sucking, mother fucking--

MERRY and PIPPIN look at eachother and grin.

BACK with FRODO, SAM and FARAMIR and friends. The boys are bound and being led by Faramir and his men, Gollum is on a rope-leash.

FRODO: Excuse me very much, but where the fuck are we going?

FARAMIR: Follow the script, kid. We're going to Gondor. I'm going to use the ring to save it.

FRODO: Follow the script? You didn't even read the fucking book. The ring can't save Gondor, it can only destroy shit!

FARAMIR: I had heard something similar. But no matter, we're still going to Gondor.

FRODO: Either way, I think I'm gonna pass out.

SAM: Are you okay, Mr. Frodo?

FRODO: Well, other than the fact that everything dark and evil on Middle Earth is after me, my best friend wants to sadomize me, I haven't eaten or slept in at least a week, I have a fever of 102, I'm about to puke but there's nothing in my stomach and despite it all I'm still horny as all hell, I'm fine.

SAM: Cool.

FARAMIR: Okay. Now you guyzes are gonna get your little white asses up to my Dad's and bring him a little gift. And no, I don't mean your tight little corn holes, but we've established these innuendos scenes ago. (to his men) Take them to my father. Tell him Faramir sends a mighty gift- a powerful weapon that will if nothing else - get him into the country club of his choice.

SAM: (angry, to FARAMIR) You wanna know what happened to Boromir?

FARAMIR: Who's Boromir?

SAM: Your BROTHER, who died in the first movie!

FARAMIR: Well shit, I don't remember that!

SAM: (exhasperated) Your brother, Boromir, died when he tried to take the ring from Frodo. After swearing an oath to protect him, he tried to kill him!

FARAMIR: Yeah? And?

FRODO: (looks up from where he's standing, doubled over against a wall) And speaking of the first movie, here come one of those Grim Reaper dudes on his black dragon.

FARAMIR: Let's go take cover somewhere cozy.

BACK INSIDE AT HELM'S DEEP.

THEODEN: Those guys are still breaking into the castle and this movie is starting to give everyone watching a headache. At least 30 minutes of it should have been edited out. And now I don't even remember my line.

ARAGORN: (quietly leaning toward THEODEN) So much death...

THEODEN: Oh, right. So much death. What can men do in the face of such reckless hatred?

ARAGORN: Ride out and meet them.

THEODEN: Are you fucking crazy?

ARAGORN: No, but how long do you want this shit to continue?

THEODEN nods and both men jump on their horses and ride out to conquer Saruman's army.

ARAGORN, LEGOLAS, and THEODEN ride out into the vast army of Uruk-hai and knock a bunch of them off their horses, which given the physics probably would have been impossible. Suddenly, in a bright white light, GANDALF appears.

ARAGORN: Gandalf.

GANDALF: 'Sup, bitch?

ARAGORN: Nice of you to finally show up.

EOMER: And I!

ARAGORN: Who are you?

EOMER: From the begining, remember, the one who your little prick of a friend called "Horse Fucker"?

ARAGORN: That could have been any number of people.

EOMER: Nevermind. I've brought an army to help you fight.

ARAGORN: In the book?

EOMER: Hollywood happy ending.

ARAGORN: Ah.

The ENTS are all stomping into Isengard, destroying things, killing soldiers, etc. TREEBEARD is stomping and throwing rocks.

PIPPIN: Merry! You know what to do!

MERRY nods, pulls down his pants and takes a big dump off the side of TREEBEARD.

MERRY: BOMBS AWAY!!!

The load hits one of the URUK-HAI on the head and kills him. PIPPIN gives MERRY a high-five.

OSGILIATH

SAM: I don't see how hanging around out here is safe. Faramir is really starting to piss me off.

FRODO: I need some air.

SAM: Ok, I'll just chill over here and if you need me, just call.

FRODO: (half to himself) Right, you wish...

FRODO wanders out aways, looking up at the changing sky. He stands among the ruins, continuing to wander out farther. He appears to be in a trance. He looks up toward the sky and there in a glowing light, appears none other than BRITNEY SPEARS. She is wearing nothing but a lace cup bra and a pair of thong underwear. A sheer robe is draped around her shoulders. Her golden hair blows in the soft wind.

BRITNEY: (calling softly) Frodo... Frooodo...

FRODO: Britney?

FRODO walks toward her and she stands on a petistol just above him.

BRITNEY: Yes, baby, it's me. The Princess of Pop.

FRODO: I can't believe I'm finally meeting you. You're so beautiful.

BRITNEY: I know. And I'm happy to finally meet you, too, Frodo Baggins.

She tosses her hair and saunters down the stone steps from the petistol. She is now standing face to face with FRODO

BRITNEY: Frodo... (she caresses his cheek)

FRODO: (enthralled, in a whisper) Yes?

BRITNEY: I... I'm not a girl. And I want you to make me a woman.

BRITNEY kisses FRODO on the lips. They begin kissing more deeply and she moves her hand up his chest and onto his neck. She undoes the chain that holds the ring, and is just about to take it without him knowing when SAM suddenly shows up.

SAM: What the fuck do you think you're doing?

BRITNEY pulls away and hides her hand behind her back.

FRODO: SAM! Get out of here before I kill you!

SAM: She's trying to steal the ring, Mr. Frodo.

FRODO: THAT'S IT! I've had it! You're gonna die, mother fucker!

FRODO lunges at SAM and they roll down some steps. At the bottom of the steps FRODO's drawn sword is at Sam's throat.

BRITNEY: Wait! It's true. I'm not that innocent.

FRODO withdraws his sword and stands up.

FRODO: (to Britney) What? What are you saying?

BRITNEY: (shrugging) Oops. I did it again.

FRODO: You mean you played with my heart? You SLUT!

BRITNEY: Sorry, Frodo, I'm just used to getting everything I want by using my body. After all, I formed a multi-million dollar industry just based on my perky tits and firm little ass.

FRODO: It's ok, Britney. You're still the hottest.

BRITNEY: Aw, thanks. Well, I gotta go, Babe.

A silver stretch limo pulls up and the door opens.

BRITNEY: (getting into the limo) Oh and Frodo? I'd love to visit that mansion of yours sometime. (she winks)

The limo drives off and FRODO stands smiling.

SAM: Aren't you going to say you're sorry?

FRODO: No, Sam. I'm not sorry that I didn't kill you.

SAM: NO! I mean sorry that you tried to kill me!

FRODO: I think you have a speech right about now.

SAM: Oh shit, right. Ahem... We have been sent on a quest. By right it seems we shouldn't be here. But we are. It may be tough. Hell, it may be damn right terrifying at times. But we still have a quest to fullfill. It's like those stories they used to tell us back at the Shire. The one about the guy who left home to star in the porn industry and he got to bang all these chicks and made millions doing it. Then he got hooked on cocaine and had to make his money giving blow jobs at the local gas station. He got another chance, but all the drugs made him impotent just when his career was beginning to pick up again and VHS tapes were becoming popular-

FRODO: Not THAT story, you stupid fuck! The one about hope and fighting for the good in the world and happy endings and all that shit.

SAM: I don't believe I know that one, Mr. Frodo. But there was this other one where this guy gets drunk at a party and he bangs this chick, then the next day he doesn't remember anything and can't find his car- Or how about the one where the guy fucks the apple pie and then his friend gets laid by this other guy's mom and they---

SAM keeps blabbing on and on...

FRODO: Nevermind, nevermind. NEVERMIND! Nevermind...

NOT MUCH LATER AT OSGILIATH

FRODO, SAM and GOLLUM are standing by a ruined pillar. FARAMIR walks over to them, with his group.

FARAMIR: You know, I think I'll let you boys get going.

MANATHOR: If you let them go, you'll be betraying the laws of our country and of your father. Your life will be forfeit.

FARAMIR: I'm tired and I want to give these boys a break. Besides, I don't know what you're talking about, who you are or where you came from. If I had only stayed in school and read the book. But anyway, I call forfeit. Release them. (to FRODO) Remember me when you do the invites for those parties, my boy!

FRODO: Ok, sweet. Late, dude.

GANDALF is standing in the light. Off screen someone hands him a sheet of paper. He takes out his reading glasses.

GANDALF: Ahem... "Sauron�s wrath will be terrible, his retribution swift. The battle for Helm�s Deep is over. The battle for Middle Earth is about to begin. All our hopes now lie with two little hobbits. Somewhere in the wilderness." Ok, will someone tell me what the fuck that's supposed to mean? I'm standing here in my bathrobe reading some shit that makes NO sense except I have the terrible feeling that we're right back where we started from at the beginning of this bitch. What pure and utter bullshit! I'm calling my lawyer... you know I think you type cast me because of my sexual preference and I really don't...
(fade out)

FRODO and SAM are wandering in the wilderness once more.

FRODO: Well. That was a fucking waste of time. We're right back where we started. And it took every bit of three hours!

SAM: But Mr. Frodo, some people really enjoyed this movie.

FRODO: What?

SAM: Some people were actually waiting all year for it to come out. They said "Let's go see that movie about Frodo and the ring". And their friends said "Yes, instead of getting wasted and stealing Dad's car, we can go see that!" and the girls said, "That Frodo is so hot, who cares that he has a bad perm, gigantic feet and a complex about exploring his sexuality?"

FRODO: Ah, but you didn't say what they'd say about old Sam. "I can't wait to see that Sam character. I could have sworn he was an '80's star once who is now nothing more than a Hollywood has-been. Boy did he gain a shit-load of weight to star in this role. Poor Frodo must hate having to watch his ass every night with him around."

SAM: Now, Mr. Frodo, you should be nice. I was trying to pay you a compliment.

FRODO: So was I.

SAM: (sighing) Ok then... (pauses) Where'd that giant unborn fetus run off to?

FRODO: Shit, I don't know. (calling) SMEAGOL! Hey Smeagol!

GOLLUM/SMEAGOL: In the next movie, SMEAGOL will get all the sex. Smeagol will get to be big STAR. But first must kill evil Hobbitses. Must KILL them to get the Precious! No, no. Smeagol can't kill. Death penalty enforced in this state.

SAM: Do you see him?

FRODO: He's somewhere up ahead. Smeagol! Fuck...

GOLLUM/SMEAGOL: I know. I'll let HER do it. SHE can kill him. Master has weakness for females. Yes, SHE kill them then we take the Precious when they're dead!!!

FRODO: For the love of God, will someone please yell "CUT"!

FIN

Suicide Queen's Lord of the Rings