The following is a parody based on the film Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring. Due to the content, it is rated NC-17. Or something.

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring.
based on a real film

Sitting on a plush green lawn in the afternoon sunlight is an attractive young Hobbit writing something in a notebook. He's supposed to be middle-aged, but the actor looks like he might have just hit puberty sometime last week. But let's not split hairs... A cart pulled by a horse pulls up and out jumps an old man who looks like Merlin, only dressed much shabbier. Whatever, just read.

GANDALF: Hello, Frodo!

FRODO: You're late.

GANDALF: I know I hit some traffic on the way out here.

FRODO: Alright, so did you bring that pipe weed you were talking about?

GANDALF: Yes, but can I have a hug first?

FRODO: Nevermind, I think I have some of my own left...

GANDALF: So, are you ready for the party tonight?

FRODO: What party?

GANDALF: Your Uncle Bilbo's 111th Birthday Party! We've been planning it for weeks.

FRODO: Birthday Party? I thought he was dead and we were planning a funeral.

GANDALF: (laughing) Oh, my dear boy. Aren't you glad you are wrong!

FRODO: No, I'm not actually. I've been working on the eulogy all day... Where did I get the idea he was dead?

GANDALF: Hell if I know.

FRODO: I guess I did finish all that pipe weed.

GANDALF: Ok I gotta go say hi to Bilbo.

FRODO: Ok, late.

GANDALF: Want a ride?

FRODO: Sure, fine, whatever.

At Bilbo's house, BagEnd, Gandalf arrives to greet his friend. GANDALF: Hello, Bilbo!

BILBO: Hi.

GANDALF: You won't be in the second film, so I would advise you to say more than just "hi".

BILBO: Hello.

GANDALF: Well, are you ready for your party?

BILBO: Yup. My son planned the whole thing for me.

GANDALF: Your son?

BILBO: Frodo.

GANDALF: Frodo is your nephew.

BILBO: He told me he was my son!

GANDALF: Oh for God's sake don't listen to him, he hasn't even read the book! Come now, party time. I brought some awesome pyro-techno shit too.

Bilbo's Party is being held in a grassy field. All the Hobbits are drinking and dancing.

SAM: Hi, Mr. Frodo.

FRODO: Hey Sam! What's up? Are you having a good time? I am, but of course it's probably because I'm getting wasted.

SAM: Well... to be honest, Mr. Frodo. I'm not having such a good time.

FRODO: Well, have another beer.

SAM: Hey, ok thanks... To tell you the truth, there's someone here that I would really like to ask to dance with me. But I just can't get up the courage to ask that person. I mean not even after ten beers.

FRODO: Rosie!

SAM: What?

FRODO: It's Rosie, isn't it? (laughs and pats Sam on the back) Oh, I knew you had a thing for her. Go ask her to dance. Go on, do it!

SAM: Well I was actually talking about--

Frodo pushes Sam into Rosie leaving Sam no choice but to dance with her.

Meanwhile, or at least around the same time, Merry and Pippin are sneaking around going through Gandalf's stuff.

PIPPIN: You said he had some weed, man!

MERRY: PIPE weed, Pippin, PIPE weed... I don't see any. Hey, what are these?

Merry pulls out a firework. Both he and Pippin stare at it in awe.

PIPPIN: WOW, imagine what those will do when you smoke 'em! Light me one!

MERRY: Light your own, Pip, this one's mine!

Merry and Pippin each take a firework and put the end of it in their mouths. Then they light the tip and there's a huge explosion. When everyone turns around they are all covered in ash and their hair is sticking up everywhere.

GANDALF: Idiots! You can't smoke those!

PIPPIN: That was cool, Man! What a trip!

MERRY: Ouch. I think I'm in pain.

FRODO: Quiet, y'all. Bilbo is making a speech.

BILBO: Good Evening everyone. Thank you all for coming to my party. I would especially like to thank my son, er, I mean my nephew for making this a wonderful evening for me. But unfortunately I hate it here, am bored to death and The Shire has shitty medical benefits for seniors. So I'm leaving. Peace, out.

Bilbo disappears and all the Hobbits gasp in shock. Then he re-appears back up at BagEnd. Gandalf also appears.

GANDALF: Now that was fucking rude!

BILBO: Jesus, Gandalf, have a sense of humor.

GANDALF: That Ring you used to disappear is going to cause a lot of grief in the next few years. A LOT of grief. So I am not in a real joking mood.

BILBO: What the hell are you talking about?

GANDALF: You've had it long enough. So gimme.

BILBO: Give you?

Gandalf nods and puts his hand out.

BILBO: My Ring? Yeah, right! (laughs, then seeing that Gandalf is serious...) You - you can't take my Ring. I love it. I even named it. "Precious."

GANDALF: Well get a dog and name it Precious instead! That Ring is dangerous.

BILBO: So what are you going to do with it, then?

GANDALF: I'm going to give it to Frodo.

BILBO: Ok, that makes sense. Better it kill him than me.

GANDALF: Alright, now hand it over, you selfish bastard!

Reluctantly, Bilbo hands Gandalf the Ring. Then he grabs his suitcase and turns to leave.

BILBO: Goodbye, Gandalf. Have a nice, uh...

GANDALF: Yeah, yeah, just get out of here. I need to find that nephew of yours otherwise this story will never get rolling. Man, we are going to have it MADE after these films!

Bilbo leaves. A few moments later, Frodo comes up to BagEnd to look for his Uncle.

FRODO: Hey, Uncle What's-Your-Name! The party is just getting started. The strippers are here. I was going to have it be a surprise, but now you're missing it!

Frodo takes another step into the house.

FRODO: OUCH! What the fuck did I just step on? (he picks up the Ring)

GANDALF: You found your Uncle's Ring, I see.

FRODO: Yeah, I'm throwing it out. It hurt like hell when I stepped on it. The thing's gotta be bad luck...

GANDALF: You can't just throw it out.

FRODO: I'll just throw it in the fireplace here and melt it down.

Frodo throws the Ring in the flames and the Elvish enscription appears

FRODO: Whoa! Cool!

GANDALF: No, it's fucking disturbing is what it is. That Ring is evil.

FRODO: Don't be ridiculous. My foot feels fine now. It's just a piece of jewelry.

GANDALF: God, you're naiive! (he grabs a tongs and pulls the Ring out of the flames then places it in Frodo's hand.)

FRODO: OW! Holy shit! It's hot! What the fuck's the matter with you?

GANDALF: Shut up, sit still and listen! What do I have to do, give you a spanking? (thinks to himself and smiles) Hmm...

FRODO: No! Okay. I'll listen. Just tell me what you were going to say.

GANDALF: Fine. Back a really long time ago, this guy named Sauron made that Ring. He made it so he could rule the world and bind us all with fear, hopelessness, darkness, pain, animosity, torture, deception, greif, loathing, dispair, trechery...

FRODO: I think I get the point.

GANDALF: No, you DON'T get the point, Smart Ass! This Ring is going to destroy all of Middle Earth if it isn't destroyed it first. Oh, yeah and it's all yours.

FRODO: I don't want it!

GANDALF: Too bad. You inherited it.

FRODO: Well, uh, I'm giving it to you!

GANDALF: Don't tempt me, Frodo... you don't know how bad I want it. I just want to go over there and have you give it to me... but I know it's wrong...

FRODO: Why?

GANDALF: Because you're young enough to be my grandson!

FRODO: Huh?

GANDALF: (regaining his composure) Uh, I mean, uh because it's yours! The Ring has been entrusted to you. You are the one that has to travel hundreds of miles from your warm home to be confronted with coldness, illness death and doom to get rid of it. You HAVE to take it. It's your destiny.

FRODO: Fine, I'll take the goddamn thing. So now what?

SAM: (from outside the window) Now you notice that I've been listening in and Gandalf asks me to go along with Mr. Frodo on his journey.

GANDALF: That's right. I think...

FRODO: Don't look at me, I didn't read the book.

GANDALF: Yes, in fact that is right. I will meet you when you get to the Prancing Pony Inn.

FRODO: (laughing) Is that next to the Whinny Winks Hotel or the Happy Hooves Cabin?

SAM: Will Mr. Frodo and I get to - I mean HAVE to share a bed?

GANDALF: For God's sake stop asking questions, I'm done with this scene!

Next scene Sam and Frodo are trecking across hill and dale and Sam stops.

SAM: I'm a little scared, Mr. Frodo.

FRODO: Yeah? Why?

SAM: We're out here in this big bad world all alone. With nothing to protect us. Nothing but eachother! I need a hug.

FRODO: We're not even out of the Shire yet, you Pussy! And I'm not giving you a hug.

Suddenly, Pippin runs into Frodo and lands on top of him, causing Frodo to fart.

FRODO: Oops. Sorry.

PIPPIN: Americans.

Merry runs out and bangs into Sam, who doesn't fart, but looks annoyed.

SAM: What are you retards doing out here?

PIPPIN: Stealing crops.

MERRY: From that guy. (he points)

FARMER MAGGOT: You asshole punks! Give me my crops back! Either that or PAY for them!

PIPPIN: We don't have any money, so ha ha!

FARMER MAGGOT: Then you'll have to pay with NATURE'S credit card!

MERRY: What do you think he means by that?

FRODO: I think we all better run.

The Hobbits Four run off to save their asses. Literally.

A bit or so later, they come across a bunch of mushrooms growing along side the road.

PIPPIN: Look, Merry! Shrooms!

MERRY: Right ON!

Merry and Pippin grab a bunch of shrooms and start eating. Suddenly, a screech is heard coming down the road.

PIPPIN: Oh my God, what's that black thing on that freakishly evil looking horse? He looks like he's coming right for us!

MERRY: You're trippin, Pip. And it's a bad one. Take a deep breath and try to think happy thoughts...

FRODO: No, it's real, get down!

They all hide under a tree root.

SAM: Is this scene really necessary?

FRODO: You're just jealous because they're not after you.

Yet the next scene. It's night time and it's raining and the Hobbits are hooded and walking around the dark with lanterns.

FRODO: Where the fuck is this Whinny Winks Inn, anyway?

SAM: That's Prancing Pony Inn, Mr. Frodo.

FRODO: Whatever!

They come to a sign that reads "Prancing Pony Inn. Get Paid to Get Laid. Now Accepting Applications. Inquire Within."

FRODO: This way.

The Hobbits follow Frodo into the Prancing Pony.

FRODO: Ha, "Prancing Pony". Could they have thought up a gayer name?

PIPPIN: I still don't get what that sign outside meant...

BUTTERBUR: Good evening, boys! Welcome to the Prancing Pony Inn. You are here to apply for work, I take it?

FRODO: No, we just want a place to stay.

BUTTERBUR: Oh! You're customers are you? By the looks of you cute little things, I'd have thought you were seeking work for sure. But! One never can tell by looking at someone, can they? Now, we have plenty of safe, relaxing rooms and I am sure you'll be making some good friends this evening. What's your name, blue eyes?

FRODO: It's uh... Mr. Underhill. Yeah, that's it.

BUTTERBUR: Oh, that's alright. You don't need to worry about discression here. We respect everyone's privacy. That's our policy.

FRODO: Um, we're supposed to meet our friend here. Gandalf?

BUTTERBUR: Gandalf the Grey! Yes, he's one of our most loyal customers! I haven't seen him tonight though. I'm sure he'll be back soon enough.

FRODO: (to the other Hobbits) I'm getting sort of a sick feeling about this.

SAM: It's okay, Mr. Frodo. I'll protect you.

The Hobbits help themselves to some ale and sit down.

PIPPIN: (downing a pint) I think I like this place!

MERRY: (also guzzling ale) Me too! And everyone seems SO friendly!

FRODO: Christ, where's Gandalf already?

SAM: He'll come. Butterbur said he always comes here. "This is the place he goes to come." That doesn't make sense though, does it? Or does it?

continued